a completely new approach

So we are in 2017 and I am very excited for what's to come. I have been thinking a lot about my life, questioning things and just trying to figure out who I am. I know that I've been living a lot for other people (parents, family etc) and that's definitely one of the reasons why I always feel so drained. It's o draining to try and be two people at once and I hate it. I hate it so much, and over the holidays just gone I've been making a lot of promises to myself that hopefully I won't break. So these aren't really 2017 goals, but hopefully goals I'll start in 2017 and continue to the day I die (okay a bit extreme, but they're good habits that I'd like to keep for a very long time).

1. I want to start being more truthful with others and myself.

Whenever someone tells me if I know what I want to do in life, I just shake my head, but the thing is, I do. I'm just afraid that they'll ridicule me. I want to write, make music, and give opportunities to younger artists so they can do the same. So yes I do, know what I want to do with my life actually and pursuing a more creative career shouldn't be shameful or condemned. I also tend to lie to others and myself about my beliefs. I've been struggling a lot with faith and God at the moment and I honestly have no idea where I stand to be honest. It's a self discovery and I know that I need to do it predominantly on my own, since getting advice from people who are already at peace spiritually, or at peace without any spirituality isn't helpful for me. I have found myself lying when I say what I believe, or who I am though, just to keep peace, but that tends to mean that I have created a sort of image that this person now sees me as. I don't like that. I don't want people to think, that I'm a certain way when I'm not. So I need to just be more honest with people, and honest with my own feelings and not be ashamed or scared of just not knowing. It's okay to not know, it is okay to now know, it is okay to not know.

2. I want to take care of myself more, and treat myself.

I don't think I have too much of an issue relaxing (as long as I've completed my to do list ha ha haaaaaasafgsv) but I know that I tend to be really hard on myself. I've been told that I'm hard on myself and I know it too. I guess this ties into the fact with the idea that I need to be more accepting and honest with my own feelings. I (and I know a lot of other people do too) tend to really beat myself up other things that really don't matter (or shouldn't be taken too seriously). We tend to send ourselves into this dark hole and it begins to get quite hard to breathe and it's horrible. It doesn't have to be that way though, so I'm going to try really hard not to do that to myself. That means that I don't have to beat myself up over wanting to understand sexuality, because it is natural. I shouldn't beat myself up about my own, nor should I beat myself up over any sort of feeling that I get that seems to go against something that I have been taught that is an objective wrong. 

I should read books, exercise, not censor my journal, eat whatever I want (try and be healthy but also eat whatever I want), wear what I want, listen to what I want and value myself. Take care of myself, and treat myself the way, and talk to myself the way I'd want some to treat and talk to me.

So recently, to help this, I have also taken joy in indulging in a few material things.

I made a pair of trousers on Boxing Day and I am so happy with the way they turned out. I bought a pair of boots off of ASOS and I do not regret it, and I also ordered a book off of amazon at the start of the holidays and it came just this week and it's excellent. It is called: ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT. I may do a review on it after reading it, I may not, who knows.

3. I want to be shameless in what I do and just share. 

My parents were talking to me about how the internet is such a useful platform for getting ahead and building your future, and I totally agree with that. I'm often scared to share my writing, my music or anything that I've created with anyone because I like things to be perfect and I'm also scared of the reaction. That is so incredibly unhealthy though. How can I grow if I never share anything? So yeah. Share, share, share your art.

I've also found some new music, or gotten into some songs over the holidays

You're Not Good Enough - Blood Orange

Something in the Way - Jorja Smith

Tell Me - Sabrina Claudio

Company - Tinashe

Sock it 2 me - Missy Elliot (DuncanGerow Remix)

Les Peintres - Nimbes

Into You - Ariana Grande (80s remix)

New Youtube channel I found when I was looking at life in Paris, since I have decided to learn French. My accent is terrible but I'll get there: Dawnie Perry

Another thing that I have decided to do is make a style book! Basically I've been collecting images of clothes and outfits that I love and would like to see in my wardrobe from instagram/youtube/tumblr and I'll be printing them out at school and sticking them in a little book. This book will be in my bag everywhere I go (just in case I suddenly decide I want to buy some clothes). The purpose of this, will be that I am constantly inspired, and I also thing that it'll help cut down on buying things I regret. Say I'm debating on buying a long denim coat or not, or a yellow jacket or something completely OUT THERE, I'll look in the book. If that item isn't in there in a picture or I haven't written it down as a note, then I won't buy it. So hopefully that works haha.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this post, and hopefully I'll have more to come soon! All of you are so wonderful and I am so incredibly grateful to have you guys reading my stuff and also being able to read your stuff too. Happy New Year xo

A NEW BEGINNING

I haven't posted in a long time, but that's because I've been working, discovering and thinking about next year. My mum is very goal focused and she doesn't believe in resolutions. I can't remember but the distinction is between goals and resolutions but she has one. She also says that it's good to start them at least a month before, so you're in the habit of doing it by the time January comes round. Anyway, I have my goals ready and I thought I'd share them:

1. find out who i am spiritually

2. eat better

3. finish my writing project

4. make five pieces of wearable clothes

i have some others, but they're not definite yet.

I THINK (you can never be too sure with these things) that I've finally cracked the code to getting an A in my English Literature essays. I think. I have a tutor now and she's super helpful. That's very refreshing.

I've also been listening to  LABOR V2 by Jaden Smith and his song Fallen has just come out and it will definitely be on repeat.

Another thing. During my time away, I've been thinking about myself a lot. I feel this is why journals are so helpful and wonderful. Reading back on them, you get to see how much you've grown and changed throughout the years. I've been keeping them since year eight ... I think, I'll need to check, but I'm in my last year of school now, and I write a lot, so that's a lot of growth.

So I've grown a lot, I've also kind of "discovered" something about myself. I don't like the word discover, but it's the only word I can really think of. Okay, so basically, I've been thinking a lot about sexuality and how it needs to be discussed more, and then I started thinking about mine, and I kind of realised that I'm not as straight as I thought I was (I mean, I knew I wasn't but I kind of pushed it aside and thought that they were just passing thoughts and feelings but they weren't). In fact, I'm not straight at all, I'm kind of bisexual. Not even kind of, I am. I'm still kind of figuring it out, but I know for a fact that I am. 

So that's quite a big thing, and I haven't told anyone. My plan, it to let this out (I may delete this, I may not I'm not sure, I may not even post it) and see what the reaction is. If it's good, then I'll tell my friends, if that's good then I'll .... I don't know when I'll tell my family since if anyone knows me, it's not ... well yes, anyway.

Despite the whole at home issue with this new "discovery" or mine, I feel much freer. Like, a lot freer. I feel less guilty now, and I understand why I have all of these feelings. I feel like I've ticked a box on the list of things I need to do to fully accept myself and it feels amazing.

*Note, I may delete this. I don't know.

changes (not david bowie)

so you may notice some changes. this post isn't entirely about that, only partly. i have got a lot of satin clothes. i have purple satin pyjamas, two satin slip dresses and now a cream satin robe. all from the charity shop. i can now boil my favourite colours down to just a few: cream, red, pink and brown.

a lot of things have been changing for me, i've been speaking up more at home and i'm starting to slowly do things for myself. i used to get afraid of anyone seeing this blog, parents, friends, anyone i knew, but now i'm 65% there when at the beginning of the year i was at 0%.

i'm not entirely sure where all of this is coming from, but due to several tears during last week (not because of donald trump), finding a tutor, arguing my way through a change of curfew and other things i've found myself floating, but not in a frightening way. a good way.

i'm very good at making up lives and scenarios for myself, so good that i should probably extend one and turn it into a full length novel. now i'm thinking of these possible events and situations and feeling less guilty. i'm not sure what i'm meant to be feeling. the thing that has brought me to the most amount of tears is school, faith and myself and i'm dealing with school and myself but the third note in this disgusting, distressing and dissonant chord still needs to be tuned. raised, flattened, changed. i don't know. 

i don't want to shame anyone. i love my family and i don't want to see my mother cry, but i'm afraid that my choices will. i haven't decided yet. i am very far from deciding anything. i don't feel fit, to decide, yet i have to.

i've only just decided that i will move out after university. i already wanted to, but i never properly decided it for myself.

i'm moving out.

i'll save up and move out.

i want to surround myself with visually inspiring and aurally stimulating things. good music, good visuals. i want to embody the things i see. the clothes, the moods, i want to emit the photos i look at everyday on my screen. sing my own songs - quite literally, sing the songs that i have written. does it matter if they're secular? does it matter if they're not?

so many people have told me that my school work has grown and progressed yet i find that hard to see since i'm still on the same grade, and that worries me. my attitude. maybe i haven't grown as much in confidence as i thought i had. 

but i have.

i know i have.

i am starting things and stopping, switching, chopping and changing as i usually do. i have written a song, several songs that i would like to share with you, since i know that you are all warm and accepting, and it's easier to show someone you can't touch your heart, than someone who's breathing down your neck.

this is the freest i've been so i may copy, or stick this into my journal. i'm not sure yet. i just felt like spilling and pouring several drinks in a few small glasses today. take as many sips as you like, or just simply pour it down the drain.

THE UK

This post is not about Brexit. Yes, I'm mad, but at the same time, I'm tired of complaining about it and I want to move on! It's done. It's happened! We just have to work our way around another obstacle. We've done it before, we can do it again (I know that sounds insensitive but yeah okay).

This post is about creative people in Britain. Sometimes I feel that the UK is second in the creative process. Like, first it's America, and then it's the UK. You don't really see things popping out from the UK until later on, or, you have to dig really deep to find them. And then when you're trying to find creating POCs in the UK it's even harder. I don't know, I just feel we don't get coverage, and it's not because I feel America is stealing anything, I just feel that it isn't shouted out about as much. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's just where I live and what I'm seen (or not seen), correct me please!

Another things that's been troubling me is my life. I want to write things and make things and have shops and businesses and just live a creative life, but the way the world is going it seems that my goals are becoming more and more unattainable. Or, I'll just finally achieve them when I'm like, 65. You need an online presence, a substantial amount of followers, good looks, etc and sometimes ... sometimes I feel that if I don't gain any of that quickly I won't make it.

I know it's kind of foolish to think that in a way, since many people achieve their goals without having a major following count online. Social media isn't the only way, but it does seem to be the way in which many want to go.

Another thing, is that I feel that more and more people are reading less. I know that people will always read, but it's kind of hit me, that I am going into something, that is losing more and more popularity. The groans and moans I hear when people are asked to read disheartens me, and the idea of never holding a physical book again frightens me. Endless projects, ours and ours wasted, when I could have done something more secure instead.

I have all these fears, all of these worries and try to imagine myself being an American, rich, white girl living in LA who wants to be a mechanical engineer, or a doctor and it makes me kind of cringe. Not that these types of girls are awful, they're not. But me, doing science, and ... just ... no. I am who I am and I am happy that way, even though my future isn't as solid as it could be.

I've touched on so many things in this, but whatever, I'm a jumpy person. I've just been thinking a lot in the dark and this is what I came up with.

new school year

So school has started and I am so excited for this last year to just END. Then sun has kind of gone, but I'm okay with that since I was sick of it anyway, and it just makes me feel of Halloween and Christmas which I'm super excited for. Obviously because I'm in my last year of school, everything is super busy. UCAS, open days, school work, extracurricular activities and just my own person creative work too, is just being rammed in my face and I seem to have no idea what to write on here which sucks too.

I am kind of happy though, which I think is important when being surrounded by so many things that need and want your attention. I have Thursday morning off every week now, which means I can thrift, lie in, have a driving lesson or just sit in a cafe until I need to get into school which is nice. I've also managed to achieve two of my writing goals which was to finish two of my projects this year which is also great. My teachers kind of believe in me and my siblings are like finding themselves which is really nice to see.

One thing that I am really happy with though, is that I feel that I am allowing myself to take more breaks. I'm being less hard on myself when it comes to my writing and that's really nice. I'm trying out poetry, and not forcing myself into projects that aren't flowing so easily at that time.

Overall, despite all of the stress and franticness of everyone, I can say that the start of this school year is WAY better than the start of year 12. It's like a continuation. Pressing play in a film after a two month pause.

exams and aaliyah

Finally! I have finished my AS exams. It's kind of strange, since for almost a month, I've just been constantly revising and doing essay plans, and essays and seeing teachers, and now, I'm kind of free for a couple of months. I have two weeks off now, and I'm going to try fill it with endless amounts of writing and hopefully posting on here (key words: try and hopefully).

Yeah, hopefully I'll finish the little project I've been working on for AGES, before the end of school, since I'll have so much free time. That's another thing I'm looking forward to. After the half term and a week, I go back to school, but we have like three weeks till we break up for the summer so what's the point in learning anything new? In English we'll be doing Hamlet, other subjects we're not even going to bother starting anything new and just learn stuff outside of the course. No homework, which means free time, and learning fun and interesting stuff at school.

So yeah, I'm very excited for the two weeks off and also school after this.

During my month of constant work, I've actually kind of gotten into Aaliyah. I even want her sunglasses, and I saw a pair just like the ones below several weeks ago but I didn't get them (mistake). Obviously I thought that I'd be the only person with bad enough taste in my town to get them, so I come back today, expecting them to be there. They're not. There is actually another person in my town, who would dare to wear these. Oh well, I can still try and imagine myself wearing them.

Also, other than my playlist, I feel that my recent posts have been quite heavy. Not that that's a bad thing, but I also want to share other stuff with you guys like clothes and films and more music, and also some stuff that I do too. But yeah, maybe this post is like ... a new beginning.

valentine's day

So today is Valentine's Day. There are a few things which I don't like about Valentine's Day and one of them. is that people who are single, tend to be made to feel bad about their relationship status.

Yes, I am single and yes, sometimes it would be nice to "have someone," but I would say that most of the time, I'm alright. I feel that single people are made to feel bad for not being in a relationship, because for some reason, "single" means "lonely," when that is absolutely not true. I think that people who have never experienced a romantic relationship, also tend to feel pressured during around this time.

There are many great things about being single because single doesn't mean lonely. You can be incredibly happy and not be in a relationship, but then suddenly feel self conscious about your relationship status, because of this single day. 

There are also all kinds of love, which Valentine's Day doesn't focus on enough. There's the love which you receive from your parents, brotherly and sisterly love, love you experience with your friends, yourself ... why don't we also focus on that as well?

I know that it probably sounds like I'm trashing romantic love and Valentine's Day, but I'm not. All I think, is that if Valentine's Day is meant to be a day in which we celebrate love, I think that it should try hard to celebrate all types of love, and not only one.

is self promotion bad?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately, the idea of self promotion. I think it's because over instagram, I've been seeing all of these talented artists of so many different mediums promoting their work on their page. I see it on Tumblr, and on other blogs too, and it got me kind of thinking ... is self promotion wrong? 

Okay, so I know it isn't a bad thing to promote your work. This is nothing intrinsically bad, about trying to better yourself and make yourself more known, but I feel that when people do do that, it can be taken quite badly. For example I see this everywhere on Tumblr. People promoting their own blogs on posts that are similar to their blog style, and people who own the image getting upset about it.

*I do understand that sometimes self promotion can be forceful and annoying sometimes*

It's something that I don't understand? I mean, if you have put in the caption to not self promote on your image, then that's different, but if you're just self promoting and you haven't been told that you can't, then what's so wrong with that? How else are you going to get your blog and your work out there, if you don't? I personally like people who self promote and put themselves and their work out there, because it helps you to find new people and new artists.

Another thing that has been bugging me, is also the idea of using your blog as a place to promote your work. I know I have done it in a couple of my posts, but there is never a time, where I feel slightly weary of pressing that publish button, and seeing my own work on my blog. My blog wasn't meant to be a platform where I showcase my work. It was meant to inspire, inform, entertain (maybe??) and showcase other people's work ... but, I want people to see my stuff too? And is there anything wrong in slightly changing, the purpose of this blog?

I don't think there is, but I still feel this sort of anonymous pressure to not do it.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings, what do you guys think? How do you feel about the idea of self promotion? Do you do it? Do you hate it! TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.

brown 'n' gold, glow baby glow

So I have recently (well not recently but) been heavily inspired by these brown, gold, shimmery, summery looks. Natural make up, the colour brown, orange, more peach, cream and just really natural hazy colours and looks. It's been quite an experience actually. Everything I seem to want looks like a dream and I feel that my general colour palette for my LIFE is really shifting. 

I never used to think brown was a pretty colour (colourism, anti-blackness, etc) but I've really started to accept it, and all I want is brown stuff. Neutral eyeshadows, brown suede skirts, brown shirts, brown boots, brown-red lipstick brown everything.

This new change has really helped me to explore all of the new looks that I am dying to try out. Never in a million years, did I ever think that I would want to put glitter on my face, but now I do.

I also feel, that this change in my personal colour palette is present in my writing. I now have a desire to set everything in this hazy world. As if Sofia Coppola were directing it, or if all of the visuals in my writing are seen through some grainy, hazy, peach tinted lens. I feel drawn to set everything in the summer, and imagery has suddenly become incredibly important to me now. I want anyone to read my work to feel as if they have just been in a dream. Lying on a field, staring out at a glittering ocean, or playing with rosy eyeshadow and drinking champagne on a peach. Soft dusty rose, satin, browns and just the sun's glow.

It's beautiful and I just want it to hurry up and be Spring so I can start walking around in these bralettes and flowy, not very fitting dresses, and still be warm.

Do you have a personal colour palette? Is that even a thing?

I can't really express this change through the walls on my room, so I want to do it through my clothes, my writing, and my social media too (sounds trivial, I know but IT MEANS A LOT TO ME, so let me be).

Colours have a massive effect on me, which I have just kind of realised today, I think. Like properly. I'm a pretty visual person when it comes to myself and my writing. I always have photos for my work. I have a dedicated folder for photos which inspire the moods and the atmosphere I want my work to give. I think colours are very important, and they can have an effect on you.

Where am I going with this? I don't know.

Anyway, my new awareness of how much colours seem to effect me, have driven me to write a song??? Anyway, I'll share it with you guys soon.

However, the aim of this post was not to share my soon to be posted song. In fact, I don't think there really way an aim? I just made that image up above and felt the urge to write about it, and what drove me to create it.

Anyway though, do you guys think colour is important? Is it important to you, or not? IS THERE A THING AS A PERSONAL COLOUR PALETTE? I'd like to know.

Thank you guys for reading! ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

THOUGHTS ON AGEING

I've been giving a lot of thought to the topic of ageing recently, and how our society treats it. It seems to me, that there is a lot of negativity surrounding the topic of ageing. Firstly when I think of ageing, I don't necessarily think of growing up. I think there's a difference when people think the two things. "Growing up," is more for teens into your twenties and probably mid thirties. Ageing (for me) is when you hit 40, or when you have children (and you're not in your twenties or thirties). 

There is this massive romanticisation around the idea of "growing up," and getting out of that "small town," and/or "experiencing new things" and being wild and free etc. However, ageing is kind of seen as, not necessarily a bad, thing, but maybe something that should be pitied? These are just my thoughts.

There are so many creams and serums to stop wrinkles, and hide age lines and the idea of hiding your age is very popular among people. The phrase, "she looks good for her age," as in she (or him/they) looks young for their age. This implies that looking old is bad, and that is something I don't really understand.

Maybe, it's because of the idea that when you hit a certain age, you can't do certain things anymore, or you can't wear, certain things anymore, or your life becomes irrelevant and you have to give everything to the younger generation. 

All of these ideas are not truths though, and I think we should really understand that. Especially people who are getting to an age when they feel pressured into not being able to do, say and wear certain things.

When you really think about it, you can do whatever you want. It isn't against the law, for older people to go to party's and to stay out late and do things that would be associated with the activities of younger people (I'm sorry I couldn't think of any other way to phrase that!). You can do whatever you want, especially if you don't have anybody to look after but yourself.

Another thing that I want to challenge, is the idea that I mentioned earlier, about "looking good for your age," as in looking young for your age. Why does youth have to mean beauty and why is it desirable? Is it because in general, when your young you're less close to death than someone who is old, and that is something that most people want?

Why can't having grey hair be something to be proud of? Why can't having wrinkles be an okay thing? I mean it's natural and pretty much everybody will have them, so why do we always want to get rid of them and look younger?

If you want to be young again, making yourself look it won't make a difference to your actual age. 

Personally, I think that it's about how you view life. Everyone is ageing technically, and it shouldn't be something that should be seen as a good thing. Your age is just how we as people track how long we've been on this Earth, technically and all of the things (well most of them) that are associated with being young, all of those things that many people want can still be achieved in their sixties.

For example, if you take care of yourself, you can still stay out all night and have fun, or have girly evenings, or go on weekends away, travel, explore and discover when you're old. You may look a bit more lived in, but if you're content, then that shouldn't really matter should it? You can't stop the ageing of the body so you just have to accept it, in my opinion.

"Youth," can be achieved at any age (in my opinion) and I feel that the idea of "ageing," shouldn't be seen as something that isn't desirable. 

I'm not sure how to end this post, it was kind of impromptu, so I'll just say goodnight/good afternoon/ good morning and keeping on thinking and creating (no matter how old you are).