changes (not david bowie)

so you may notice some changes. this post isn't entirely about that, only partly. i have got a lot of satin clothes. i have purple satin pyjamas, two satin slip dresses and now a cream satin robe. all from the charity shop. i can now boil my favourite colours down to just a few: cream, red, pink and brown.

a lot of things have been changing for me, i've been speaking up more at home and i'm starting to slowly do things for myself. i used to get afraid of anyone seeing this blog, parents, friends, anyone i knew, but now i'm 65% there when at the beginning of the year i was at 0%.

i'm not entirely sure where all of this is coming from, but due to several tears during last week (not because of donald trump), finding a tutor, arguing my way through a change of curfew and other things i've found myself floating, but not in a frightening way. a good way.

i'm very good at making up lives and scenarios for myself, so good that i should probably extend one and turn it into a full length novel. now i'm thinking of these possible events and situations and feeling less guilty. i'm not sure what i'm meant to be feeling. the thing that has brought me to the most amount of tears is school, faith and myself and i'm dealing with school and myself but the third note in this disgusting, distressing and dissonant chord still needs to be tuned. raised, flattened, changed. i don't know. 

i don't want to shame anyone. i love my family and i don't want to see my mother cry, but i'm afraid that my choices will. i haven't decided yet. i am very far from deciding anything. i don't feel fit, to decide, yet i have to.

i've only just decided that i will move out after university. i already wanted to, but i never properly decided it for myself.

i'm moving out.

i'll save up and move out.

i want to surround myself with visually inspiring and aurally stimulating things. good music, good visuals. i want to embody the things i see. the clothes, the moods, i want to emit the photos i look at everyday on my screen. sing my own songs - quite literally, sing the songs that i have written. does it matter if they're secular? does it matter if they're not?

so many people have told me that my school work has grown and progressed yet i find that hard to see since i'm still on the same grade, and that worries me. my attitude. maybe i haven't grown as much in confidence as i thought i had. 

but i have.

i know i have.

i am starting things and stopping, switching, chopping and changing as i usually do. i have written a song, several songs that i would like to share with you, since i know that you are all warm and accepting, and it's easier to show someone you can't touch your heart, than someone who's breathing down your neck.

this is the freest i've been so i may copy, or stick this into my journal. i'm not sure yet. i just felt like spilling and pouring several drinks in a few small glasses today. take as many sips as you like, or just simply pour it down the drain.

exams and aaliyah

Finally! I have finished my AS exams. It's kind of strange, since for almost a month, I've just been constantly revising and doing essay plans, and essays and seeing teachers, and now, I'm kind of free for a couple of months. I have two weeks off now, and I'm going to try fill it with endless amounts of writing and hopefully posting on here (key words: try and hopefully).

Yeah, hopefully I'll finish the little project I've been working on for AGES, before the end of school, since I'll have so much free time. That's another thing I'm looking forward to. After the half term and a week, I go back to school, but we have like three weeks till we break up for the summer so what's the point in learning anything new? In English we'll be doing Hamlet, other subjects we're not even going to bother starting anything new and just learn stuff outside of the course. No homework, which means free time, and learning fun and interesting stuff at school.

So yeah, I'm very excited for the two weeks off and also school after this.

During my month of constant work, I've actually kind of gotten into Aaliyah. I even want her sunglasses, and I saw a pair just like the ones below several weeks ago but I didn't get them (mistake). Obviously I thought that I'd be the only person with bad enough taste in my town to get them, so I come back today, expecting them to be there. They're not. There is actually another person in my town, who would dare to wear these. Oh well, I can still try and imagine myself wearing them.

Also, other than my playlist, I feel that my recent posts have been quite heavy. Not that that's a bad thing, but I also want to share other stuff with you guys like clothes and films and more music, and also some stuff that I do too. But yeah, maybe this post is like ... a new beginning.

THOUGHTS ON AGEING

I've been giving a lot of thought to the topic of ageing recently, and how our society treats it. It seems to me, that there is a lot of negativity surrounding the topic of ageing. Firstly when I think of ageing, I don't necessarily think of growing up. I think there's a difference when people think the two things. "Growing up," is more for teens into your twenties and probably mid thirties. Ageing (for me) is when you hit 40, or when you have children (and you're not in your twenties or thirties). 

There is this massive romanticisation around the idea of "growing up," and getting out of that "small town," and/or "experiencing new things" and being wild and free etc. However, ageing is kind of seen as, not necessarily a bad, thing, but maybe something that should be pitied? These are just my thoughts.

There are so many creams and serums to stop wrinkles, and hide age lines and the idea of hiding your age is very popular among people. The phrase, "she looks good for her age," as in she (or him/they) looks young for their age. This implies that looking old is bad, and that is something I don't really understand.

Maybe, it's because of the idea that when you hit a certain age, you can't do certain things anymore, or you can't wear, certain things anymore, or your life becomes irrelevant and you have to give everything to the younger generation. 

All of these ideas are not truths though, and I think we should really understand that. Especially people who are getting to an age when they feel pressured into not being able to do, say and wear certain things.

When you really think about it, you can do whatever you want. It isn't against the law, for older people to go to party's and to stay out late and do things that would be associated with the activities of younger people (I'm sorry I couldn't think of any other way to phrase that!). You can do whatever you want, especially if you don't have anybody to look after but yourself.

Another thing that I want to challenge, is the idea that I mentioned earlier, about "looking good for your age," as in looking young for your age. Why does youth have to mean beauty and why is it desirable? Is it because in general, when your young you're less close to death than someone who is old, and that is something that most people want?

Why can't having grey hair be something to be proud of? Why can't having wrinkles be an okay thing? I mean it's natural and pretty much everybody will have them, so why do we always want to get rid of them and look younger?

If you want to be young again, making yourself look it won't make a difference to your actual age. 

Personally, I think that it's about how you view life. Everyone is ageing technically, and it shouldn't be something that should be seen as a good thing. Your age is just how we as people track how long we've been on this Earth, technically and all of the things (well most of them) that are associated with being young, all of those things that many people want can still be achieved in their sixties.

For example, if you take care of yourself, you can still stay out all night and have fun, or have girly evenings, or go on weekends away, travel, explore and discover when you're old. You may look a bit more lived in, but if you're content, then that shouldn't really matter should it? You can't stop the ageing of the body so you just have to accept it, in my opinion.

"Youth," can be achieved at any age (in my opinion) and I feel that the idea of "ageing," shouldn't be seen as something that isn't desirable. 

I'm not sure how to end this post, it was kind of impromptu, so I'll just say goodnight/good afternoon/ good morning and keeping on thinking and creating (no matter how old you are).