so you may notice some changes. this post isn't entirely about that, only partly. i have got a lot of satin clothes. i have purple satin pyjamas, two satin slip dresses and now a cream satin robe. all from the charity shop. i can now boil my favourite colours down to just a few: cream, red, pink and brown.
a lot of things have been changing for me, i've been speaking up more at home and i'm starting to slowly do things for myself. i used to get afraid of anyone seeing this blog, parents, friends, anyone i knew, but now i'm 65% there when at the beginning of the year i was at 0%.
i'm not entirely sure where all of this is coming from, but due to several tears during last week (not because of donald trump), finding a tutor, arguing my way through a change of curfew and other things i've found myself floating, but not in a frightening way. a good way.
i'm very good at making up lives and scenarios for myself, so good that i should probably extend one and turn it into a full length novel. now i'm thinking of these possible events and situations and feeling less guilty. i'm not sure what i'm meant to be feeling. the thing that has brought me to the most amount of tears is school, faith and myself and i'm dealing with school and myself but the third note in this disgusting, distressing and dissonant chord still needs to be tuned. raised, flattened, changed. i don't know.
i don't want to shame anyone. i love my family and i don't want to see my mother cry, but i'm afraid that my choices will. i haven't decided yet. i am very far from deciding anything. i don't feel fit, to decide, yet i have to.
i've only just decided that i will move out after university. i already wanted to, but i never properly decided it for myself.
i'm moving out.
i'll save up and move out.
i want to surround myself with visually inspiring and aurally stimulating things. good music, good visuals. i want to embody the things i see. the clothes, the moods, i want to emit the photos i look at everyday on my screen. sing my own songs - quite literally, sing the songs that i have written. does it matter if they're secular? does it matter if they're not?
so many people have told me that my school work has grown and progressed yet i find that hard to see since i'm still on the same grade, and that worries me. my attitude. maybe i haven't grown as much in confidence as i thought i had.
but i have.
i know i have.
i am starting things and stopping, switching, chopping and changing as i usually do. i have written a song, several songs that i would like to share with you, since i know that you are all warm and accepting, and it's easier to show someone you can't touch your heart, than someone who's breathing down your neck.
this is the freest i've been so i may copy, or stick this into my journal. i'm not sure yet. i just felt like spilling and pouring several drinks in a few small glasses today. take as many sips as you like, or just simply pour it down the drain.
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