a completely new approach

So we are in 2017 and I am very excited for what's to come. I have been thinking a lot about my life, questioning things and just trying to figure out who I am. I know that I've been living a lot for other people (parents, family etc) and that's definitely one of the reasons why I always feel so drained. It's o draining to try and be two people at once and I hate it. I hate it so much, and over the holidays just gone I've been making a lot of promises to myself that hopefully I won't break. So these aren't really 2017 goals, but hopefully goals I'll start in 2017 and continue to the day I die (okay a bit extreme, but they're good habits that I'd like to keep for a very long time).

1. I want to start being more truthful with others and myself.

Whenever someone tells me if I know what I want to do in life, I just shake my head, but the thing is, I do. I'm just afraid that they'll ridicule me. I want to write, make music, and give opportunities to younger artists so they can do the same. So yes I do, know what I want to do with my life actually and pursuing a more creative career shouldn't be shameful or condemned. I also tend to lie to others and myself about my beliefs. I've been struggling a lot with faith and God at the moment and I honestly have no idea where I stand to be honest. It's a self discovery and I know that I need to do it predominantly on my own, since getting advice from people who are already at peace spiritually, or at peace without any spirituality isn't helpful for me. I have found myself lying when I say what I believe, or who I am though, just to keep peace, but that tends to mean that I have created a sort of image that this person now sees me as. I don't like that. I don't want people to think, that I'm a certain way when I'm not. So I need to just be more honest with people, and honest with my own feelings and not be ashamed or scared of just not knowing. It's okay to not know, it is okay to now know, it is okay to not know.

2. I want to take care of myself more, and treat myself.

I don't think I have too much of an issue relaxing (as long as I've completed my to do list ha ha haaaaaasafgsv) but I know that I tend to be really hard on myself. I've been told that I'm hard on myself and I know it too. I guess this ties into the fact with the idea that I need to be more accepting and honest with my own feelings. I (and I know a lot of other people do too) tend to really beat myself up other things that really don't matter (or shouldn't be taken too seriously). We tend to send ourselves into this dark hole and it begins to get quite hard to breathe and it's horrible. It doesn't have to be that way though, so I'm going to try really hard not to do that to myself. That means that I don't have to beat myself up over wanting to understand sexuality, because it is natural. I shouldn't beat myself up about my own, nor should I beat myself up over any sort of feeling that I get that seems to go against something that I have been taught that is an objective wrong. 

I should read books, exercise, not censor my journal, eat whatever I want (try and be healthy but also eat whatever I want), wear what I want, listen to what I want and value myself. Take care of myself, and treat myself the way, and talk to myself the way I'd want some to treat and talk to me.

So recently, to help this, I have also taken joy in indulging in a few material things.

I made a pair of trousers on Boxing Day and I am so happy with the way they turned out. I bought a pair of boots off of ASOS and I do not regret it, and I also ordered a book off of amazon at the start of the holidays and it came just this week and it's excellent. It is called: ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT. I may do a review on it after reading it, I may not, who knows.

3. I want to be shameless in what I do and just share. 

My parents were talking to me about how the internet is such a useful platform for getting ahead and building your future, and I totally agree with that. I'm often scared to share my writing, my music or anything that I've created with anyone because I like things to be perfect and I'm also scared of the reaction. That is so incredibly unhealthy though. How can I grow if I never share anything? So yeah. Share, share, share your art.

I've also found some new music, or gotten into some songs over the holidays

You're Not Good Enough - Blood Orange

Something in the Way - Jorja Smith

Tell Me - Sabrina Claudio

Company - Tinashe

Sock it 2 me - Missy Elliot (DuncanGerow Remix)

Les Peintres - Nimbes

Into You - Ariana Grande (80s remix)

New Youtube channel I found when I was looking at life in Paris, since I have decided to learn French. My accent is terrible but I'll get there: Dawnie Perry

Another thing that I have decided to do is make a style book! Basically I've been collecting images of clothes and outfits that I love and would like to see in my wardrobe from instagram/youtube/tumblr and I'll be printing them out at school and sticking them in a little book. This book will be in my bag everywhere I go (just in case I suddenly decide I want to buy some clothes). The purpose of this, will be that I am constantly inspired, and I also thing that it'll help cut down on buying things I regret. Say I'm debating on buying a long denim coat or not, or a yellow jacket or something completely OUT THERE, I'll look in the book. If that item isn't in there in a picture or I haven't written it down as a note, then I won't buy it. So hopefully that works haha.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this post, and hopefully I'll have more to come soon! All of you are so wonderful and I am so incredibly grateful to have you guys reading my stuff and also being able to read your stuff too. Happy New Year xo

A NEW BEGINNING

I haven't posted in a long time, but that's because I've been working, discovering and thinking about next year. My mum is very goal focused and she doesn't believe in resolutions. I can't remember but the distinction is between goals and resolutions but she has one. She also says that it's good to start them at least a month before, so you're in the habit of doing it by the time January comes round. Anyway, I have my goals ready and I thought I'd share them:

1. find out who i am spiritually

2. eat better

3. finish my writing project

4. make five pieces of wearable clothes

i have some others, but they're not definite yet.

I THINK (you can never be too sure with these things) that I've finally cracked the code to getting an A in my English Literature essays. I think. I have a tutor now and she's super helpful. That's very refreshing.

I've also been listening to  LABOR V2 by Jaden Smith and his song Fallen has just come out and it will definitely be on repeat.

Another thing. During my time away, I've been thinking about myself a lot. I feel this is why journals are so helpful and wonderful. Reading back on them, you get to see how much you've grown and changed throughout the years. I've been keeping them since year eight ... I think, I'll need to check, but I'm in my last year of school now, and I write a lot, so that's a lot of growth.

So I've grown a lot, I've also kind of "discovered" something about myself. I don't like the word discover, but it's the only word I can really think of. Okay, so basically, I've been thinking a lot about sexuality and how it needs to be discussed more, and then I started thinking about mine, and I kind of realised that I'm not as straight as I thought I was (I mean, I knew I wasn't but I kind of pushed it aside and thought that they were just passing thoughts and feelings but they weren't). In fact, I'm not straight at all, I'm kind of bisexual. Not even kind of, I am. I'm still kind of figuring it out, but I know for a fact that I am. 

So that's quite a big thing, and I haven't told anyone. My plan, it to let this out (I may delete this, I may not I'm not sure, I may not even post it) and see what the reaction is. If it's good, then I'll tell my friends, if that's good then I'll .... I don't know when I'll tell my family since if anyone knows me, it's not ... well yes, anyway.

Despite the whole at home issue with this new "discovery" or mine, I feel much freer. Like, a lot freer. I feel less guilty now, and I understand why I have all of these feelings. I feel like I've ticked a box on the list of things I need to do to fully accept myself and it feels amazing.

*Note, I may delete this. I don't know.

changes (not david bowie)

so you may notice some changes. this post isn't entirely about that, only partly. i have got a lot of satin clothes. i have purple satin pyjamas, two satin slip dresses and now a cream satin robe. all from the charity shop. i can now boil my favourite colours down to just a few: cream, red, pink and brown.

a lot of things have been changing for me, i've been speaking up more at home and i'm starting to slowly do things for myself. i used to get afraid of anyone seeing this blog, parents, friends, anyone i knew, but now i'm 65% there when at the beginning of the year i was at 0%.

i'm not entirely sure where all of this is coming from, but due to several tears during last week (not because of donald trump), finding a tutor, arguing my way through a change of curfew and other things i've found myself floating, but not in a frightening way. a good way.

i'm very good at making up lives and scenarios for myself, so good that i should probably extend one and turn it into a full length novel. now i'm thinking of these possible events and situations and feeling less guilty. i'm not sure what i'm meant to be feeling. the thing that has brought me to the most amount of tears is school, faith and myself and i'm dealing with school and myself but the third note in this disgusting, distressing and dissonant chord still needs to be tuned. raised, flattened, changed. i don't know. 

i don't want to shame anyone. i love my family and i don't want to see my mother cry, but i'm afraid that my choices will. i haven't decided yet. i am very far from deciding anything. i don't feel fit, to decide, yet i have to.

i've only just decided that i will move out after university. i already wanted to, but i never properly decided it for myself.

i'm moving out.

i'll save up and move out.

i want to surround myself with visually inspiring and aurally stimulating things. good music, good visuals. i want to embody the things i see. the clothes, the moods, i want to emit the photos i look at everyday on my screen. sing my own songs - quite literally, sing the songs that i have written. does it matter if they're secular? does it matter if they're not?

so many people have told me that my school work has grown and progressed yet i find that hard to see since i'm still on the same grade, and that worries me. my attitude. maybe i haven't grown as much in confidence as i thought i had. 

but i have.

i know i have.

i am starting things and stopping, switching, chopping and changing as i usually do. i have written a song, several songs that i would like to share with you, since i know that you are all warm and accepting, and it's easier to show someone you can't touch your heart, than someone who's breathing down your neck.

this is the freest i've been so i may copy, or stick this into my journal. i'm not sure yet. i just felt like spilling and pouring several drinks in a few small glasses today. take as many sips as you like, or just simply pour it down the drain.

multiple playlists and multiple moods

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So lately, I've been listening to a lot of different music, putting a bunch of playlists together which obviously means that I've been  experiencing a range of different moods and feelings these past few weeks. I've been lacking any sort of creative energy, but I've just recently been able to write a bunch of stuff and I think I'm in gear again. These are the playlists I've constructed and singular songs I've been listening to, to get back into the swing of songwriting, writing poetry, and all of that good stuff!

Advil

Sobriety - SZA

Pray You Catch Me - Beyonce

F.U.B.U - Solange

Cranes in the Sky - Solange

Don't Touch My Hair - Solange

Rise - Solange

PLAYLIST IDEA FROM CLEO AND ZOE 

Just some songs

Another One - Mac Demarco

Don't Dream It Be It - Tim Curry, from The Rocky Horror Picture Show

One In A Million - Aaliyah

Is This What You Wanted - The Last Shadow Puppets

Give Up - FKA Twigs

the month of august

music

desperado + consideration - rihanna

another one - mac

toro y moi - still sound

hey you - tyler the creator
beach house

fashion

crop tops

golf wang

thrift stores
unif instagram

books

the invention of wings

Okay, so August is officially over which I'm sad about because that means I'll be going back to school which means stress, stress, stress, no free time until June next year and I have to wear a dumb uniform which I hate. BUT, it also means that it'll be getting colder and I can wear coats again. This august I've really been into the stuff that I've listed above some stuff that I've been kind of obsessed with this month. 

I have some of the music in my Creatives of Colour post, so if you want to hear about some of them you can check that out, but I have honestly been OBSESSED, with Tyler the Creator's Golf show. Everyone should watch it! It's so amazing and I honestly wish more fashion shows were as creative, fun and exciting as that. I really think it brought the clothes to life and just helped put across whatever creative vision he wanted to put across.

Another thing in the list that I wanted to talk about specifically, is the book "The Invention of Wings." I really loved this book and it's so interesting because Sue Monk Kidd mixed historical events and her own imagination. It's surrounded around the life of Sarah Moore Grimké who could be considered one of the first published feminist thinkers (according to Kidd) and Handful. I loved, loved, loved this book and I would definitely recommend it!

This August was quite nice, we lost our wifi for a bit which I was happy about because that meant I just read and napped which was so good, and my grades that counted for university were good too but this last is going to be so much WORK.

Anyway, I hope you all had a lovely summer!

artists you should check out (CoC)

THE SKINS

Okay so I know that not all (to my knowledge) of the people in this band are POC, but I love them so much, and the lead singer for the band is a black woman. I think this is so special because you don't really see WOC being represented in the rock genre and the fact that I found a band that I like with a WOC as the lead singer is awesome. I found them through the Afropunk channel and I'd say that my favourite song has to be: DEAD HANDS and I love this performance so much: SUMMERTIME

RAYE

So I found her through the Nostalgic Jams channel on Youtube which I am forever grateful for. I actually found Raye last year, but I do think that she needs to be brought to the surface because her voice is gorgeous and I LOVE, her music. I think my favourites are: W2TW and BET U WISH

TORO Y MOI

So I was watching Brie Rose who is a Youtuber and she's up in a lost of other cool Youtubers who I love. She was doing a monthly inspirations video, similar to Rachel Cobb and she exposed me to this gem! I'm just getting into it, but I really like what I've been hearing and recently this song has been on repeat: STILL SOUND

cool music i've found

So I've kind of gone into a phase, where I've been scouring Youtube for lots of new, cool music. I've recently been loving the kind of "garage sound" if that's a thing. In fact, it isn't recent, I've been liking it for quite a while now, but I've recently just dug it up, and have been listening to it non stop ... along with Lemonade. Ha. Anyway, on my journey, I stumbled across artists like Beach House, junkie, teen suicide and Mars Water.

These bands are so cool! So new (well, except for teen suicide, since I kind of knew about them ages ago, but I forgot and rediscovered them hehe). I'm not really sure how to describe them, other than having a sort of "garage sound." They make me feel warm and cold at the same time, and also remind me of those teen films like The Perks of Being a Wallflower, tumblr grunge, floaty car rides and just teen angst and my strange year nine phase.

Anyway though (is that right? I'm never sure), listen to these guys and tell me what you think. I really like them, and I can't wait to listen to them on a bus or something.

• beach house

• junkie

• teen suicide

• mars water

a playlist that embodies vibes which i cannot describe

TEENS - Die With You

No Vacation - Dræm Girl

ACID GHOST - All Alone

VARSITY - So Sad, So Sad

Teen Suicide - Salvia Plath

Elvis Depressedly - Okay

BEACHTAPES - Again

Affection - Cigarettes After Sex

Elvis Depressedly - Pepsi/Coke Suicide

Laura Groves - Friday

Blonde Tongues - Hey Good Lookin

Richard Orofino - Not Old Enough

Balue - Man In The Sixties

BLEACHED "THINK OF YOU"

LISTEN HERE

how does this playlist make you feel? i'm not sure how to describe it

ARTISTS YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT: SZA, cigarettes after sex

SOBRIETY

So this isn't the very first time that I have listened to SZA's music. I actually tried to get into her music, around the same time I got into Willow and Jaden's new stuff. However, my ears, I guess, weren't "mature" enough for her at the time so I passed.  I’ve just recently tried to start listening to her again though, and I have totally  gotten into her song Sobriety. It has got me hooked. It is beautiful and I’ve honestly fallen in love with her. Finding new music (kind of) is awesome.  

Cigarettes After Sex. So for some reason, their music has been on my “recommend videos” (or whatever it is) on Youtube and I actually decided to check it out. So I clicked on their song “Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby” and I love it! They have a band camp and everything and it’s awesome. Their music just makes me feel like nighttime in the city or something. Or a really cool club in the inner city, full of all these intellects, academics, novelists and playwrights or something. 

january playlist

So I think that I am definitely going to continue you to do this. Creating a playlist of all of the videos which have inspired me and which I really like in the month, and I'll be posting it on the first of the following month. Don't take my word for it though, but do expect it. Anyway, I found all of these cool things this month, and I hope you like them too! I'm going to try and put up a video of MYSELF (exploring different creative mediums) but I can't promise it, because my iMovie is dumb and unpredictable.

unbreakable - alicia keys
feminism/sweatshops - rian phin
why don't we fall in love - amerie
my natural hair routine - zolee griggs
sobriety - sza
i was wrong about dress code - rian phin

ARTISTS YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT

The Colombian singer songwriter Kali Uchis. I found her song "Loner," during the summer through Dazed on one of their posts on Facebook. I instantly fell in love, with her "mellowness." Everything is so chilled about her music and her aesthetic is awesome. Everything about it makes me want to wear pink dungarees, eat a lollipop and take polaroids with my friends in the sun. 

I've only just discovered Solange really, and I'm quite disappointed because I would have listened to her EP "Truth," all summer if I'd heard it before. For some reason it reminds me of the 80s? Especially the song "Losing You." Solange is beautiful and I hate how people tend to compare her to her sister. She is her own artist and her and Beyoncé are in completely different circles with their music that you just can't compare it. So, when you take a listen to her music keep that in mind.

music of 2015

Mac DeMarco
Saturday, 7 February 2015

Absolutely crazy that it was only this year that I discovered Mac DeMarco. It feels as if I've been listening to him for ages, and not just a year. It's great though, and I have to thank phiix's tumblr playlist. The first song I downloaded by him was "Freaking Out The Neighborhood" and it was on her playlist on her blog. I will never speak bad against autoplay on tumblr playlists again.

Solange

Sunday,  20 December 2015

I've always wanted to get into Solange, but I don't think that my "musical ear" had been developed enough, until now. I was looking up Tavi Gevinson and on one site, it said that one of her inspirations was Solange's EP: True. Now, I don't know if that is true, or not but I don't care. I fell in love with it. For some reason, the EP really reminds me of Janet Jackson in the 80s? I don't know, it kind of reminded me of that anyway.

Nirvana

16.1.15

Like Solange, I really wanted to be into Nirvana, and it just took time for my ears to develop and get used to that style. Also, like Mac, it feels like I have been listening to Nirvana, since forever, but it has only been this year??? I have no idea. That date, was when I put the Nevermind CD on my laptop, so I must have gotten the CD before, but I can't be bothered to look back through my journals and see when I actually got the CD. Anyway, I'm not sure which song made me get really into Nirvana, but I know that Come As You Are was the first song that I learnt on the guitar.

Heartstrings - Leighton Meester

Monday, 31 August 2015

I haven't listened to any of her other stuff other than this song. This song though, is so dreamy though? I didn't think I'd like it at all actually, but I do? And it's really confusing me? Anyway, here it is: Heartstrings

Others

Fool For You - Alice Smith - Summer

FKA Twigs - Winter

Twilight Driving - Methyl Ethel - Spring/Summer

Nasty - Janet Jackson - Summer

Speed Demon - Michael Jackson - Summer

Rhiannon - Fleetwood Mac - Autumn

The Chain - Fleetwood Mac - Autumn

Arctic Monkeys - Summer

The Smiths - Summer

Willow Smith - Summer

Erykah Badu - Summer

All Along the Watchtower - Jimi Hendrix - Autumn

Purple Haze - Jimi Hendrix - Summer

Kali Uchis - Summer
Where Do We Go From Here - Jevetta Steele

WHEN YOU SPEND FRIDAY NIGHT ALONE IN YOUR ROOM - PLAYLIST

listen HERE

nasty - janet jackson

baby's wearing blue jeans - mac demarco

spacehead - the primitives

because the night - patti smith

pleasure principle - janet jackson

super freak - rick james

i wanna dance with somebody - whitney houston

beat it - michael jackson

grease - c.c productions

river deep, mountain high - the supremes and the four tops

artists you should check out

MELANIE MARTINEZ

Pity Party - Melanie Martinez

Melanie Martinez. She's one of those artists that you find just aimlessly browsing the internet. I would put her into a group with artists like Marina and The Diamonds, Sky Ferreira and Charli XCX. Very bubblegum, electronic, channelling modern grunge, edgy rocker who likes pink ice cream. I first heard her, when I was binge watching auditions of The Voice on Youtube. Once I heard that, I was hooked.

TY SEGALL

Finger - Ty Segall

Think, Mac DeMcarco's youngest cousin (well that's how I see him anyway). Segall's music is so chilled, and it aids lonely nights when you're alone, lying on your bed, trying to figure out what's going on in your life. Or if you're doing homework, painting your nails or just tidying your room. Ty Segall is the person who should be playing in your room.

ELECTRONIC ART PRINCESS

birds of prey

give up

breaking up

yellow flicker beat

video girl

teen idle

bubblegum bitch

glass and patron

glory and gore

break the rules

Imagine a girl. She loves pink, FKA Twigs and Marina. She loves wearing velvet, drinking pink milkshakes, wearing red lipstick and loves to dance. She's always in boots, winter is her favourite season and she loves to roller skate. Now imagine what her favourite songs are-

No need, I have them all here for you.

*bonus track: red lips by sky ferreira

When I think of electronic art princess, I think of these ten songs. Listen here, and enjoy!

a playlist to aid your study

*it is recommended to listen to this playlist on a low volume*

blue boy

twilight driving

so high

bel air

polly

asleep

pawn shop blues

our love will always remain

let my baby stay

listen here

lazy tunes

sweet dreams - patsy cline

go to heaven - the pierces

1949 - lana del rey

crimson and clover - joan jett and the blackhearts

video games - lana del rey

we are stars - the pierces

national anthem - lana del rey

mad sounds - arctic monkeys

power of - the pierces

on our way - lana del rey

blue boy - mac demarco

ride - lana del rey

elements - the pierces

heartstrings - leighton meester

pawn shop blues - lana del rey

Listen here.

A COLLECTION OF SONGS TO ACCOMPANY REFLECTION ON A RAINY DAY

It was raining today, so I decided to create another playlist for you guys.

hiding tonight - alex turner

my love - sia

three wishes - the pierces

twilight driving - methyl ethel

shades of cool - lana del rey

wanna be yours - arctic monkeys

something in the way - nirvana

please, please, please let me get what i want - the smiths

space and time - the pierces

yayo - lana del rey

505 - arctic monkeys

asleep - the smiths

Listen here.

ARTISTS YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT (2)

 

Mac Demarco

Mac Demarco! The first time I had him was on a Tumblr playlist on one of my favourite blogs, I now do not have a strong dislike to automatic music anymore. Mac Demarco is a real personality. His music reminds me of crazy psychedelic swirls. You don't have to be out of it to be out of it when you're listening to him. I love the cool, laid back summer vibes that his music gives off. Check out on of my favourites of his (also the first song I heard of his), it honestly just such a good tune: "Freaking Out the Neighborhood."

Best Coast

Ah, Best Coast. The band that I first on a Topshop styling video (so kudos to you, Topshop). I honestly love this band so much. They also give off those chilled, laid back, " 90s-kids-hanging-out-in-the-garage-on-a-summer-afternoon" type of vibes. The first song I heard by them was "Boyfriend," but my favourites at the moment have to be "California Nights," and "Summer Mood."

The Pretty Reckless

So The Pretty Reckless are definitely NOT, a Summer Band. Very dark, rock indeed, but I still love them all the same. Just like Mac, I found this band on a grunge blog on Tumblr back in 2010 (I think, some time around then anyway). I feel that this band has definitely changed in their musical sound, between their first and second album, but I love it. A lot more edgy guitar, and definitely a great band to listen to if your looking for one with a lead female singer. Check out "My Medicine" and "Absolution."

___

So have you guys listened to any of these artists? If so, comment down below what your favourite songs by them are!

THE SOUNDTRACK TO AN INTROVERT COLLAGING

about a girl - nirvana

go easy - mac demarco

ramble on - led zeppelin

turn on billie - the pierces

boyfriend - best coast

baby's wearing blue jeans - mac demarco

polly - nirvana

boy in a rock and roll band - the pierces

suck it and see - arctic monkeys

good times bad times - led zeppelin

very ape - nirvana

freaking out the neighborhood - mac demarco

lights on - the pierces

serve the servants - nirvana

finger - ty segall

Listen here.

This is pretty much a playlist I made to accompany anybody who wants to finish a project three weeks early or do the whole thing the night before it's due. Listen, and let yourself create to these mellow tunes.