a completely new approach

So we are in 2017 and I am very excited for what's to come. I have been thinking a lot about my life, questioning things and just trying to figure out who I am. I know that I've been living a lot for other people (parents, family etc) and that's definitely one of the reasons why I always feel so drained. It's o draining to try and be two people at once and I hate it. I hate it so much, and over the holidays just gone I've been making a lot of promises to myself that hopefully I won't break. So these aren't really 2017 goals, but hopefully goals I'll start in 2017 and continue to the day I die (okay a bit extreme, but they're good habits that I'd like to keep for a very long time).

1. I want to start being more truthful with others and myself.

Whenever someone tells me if I know what I want to do in life, I just shake my head, but the thing is, I do. I'm just afraid that they'll ridicule me. I want to write, make music, and give opportunities to younger artists so they can do the same. So yes I do, know what I want to do with my life actually and pursuing a more creative career shouldn't be shameful or condemned. I also tend to lie to others and myself about my beliefs. I've been struggling a lot with faith and God at the moment and I honestly have no idea where I stand to be honest. It's a self discovery and I know that I need to do it predominantly on my own, since getting advice from people who are already at peace spiritually, or at peace without any spirituality isn't helpful for me. I have found myself lying when I say what I believe, or who I am though, just to keep peace, but that tends to mean that I have created a sort of image that this person now sees me as. I don't like that. I don't want people to think, that I'm a certain way when I'm not. So I need to just be more honest with people, and honest with my own feelings and not be ashamed or scared of just not knowing. It's okay to not know, it is okay to now know, it is okay to not know.

2. I want to take care of myself more, and treat myself.

I don't think I have too much of an issue relaxing (as long as I've completed my to do list ha ha haaaaaasafgsv) but I know that I tend to be really hard on myself. I've been told that I'm hard on myself and I know it too. I guess this ties into the fact with the idea that I need to be more accepting and honest with my own feelings. I (and I know a lot of other people do too) tend to really beat myself up other things that really don't matter (or shouldn't be taken too seriously). We tend to send ourselves into this dark hole and it begins to get quite hard to breathe and it's horrible. It doesn't have to be that way though, so I'm going to try really hard not to do that to myself. That means that I don't have to beat myself up over wanting to understand sexuality, because it is natural. I shouldn't beat myself up about my own, nor should I beat myself up over any sort of feeling that I get that seems to go against something that I have been taught that is an objective wrong. 

I should read books, exercise, not censor my journal, eat whatever I want (try and be healthy but also eat whatever I want), wear what I want, listen to what I want and value myself. Take care of myself, and treat myself the way, and talk to myself the way I'd want some to treat and talk to me.

So recently, to help this, I have also taken joy in indulging in a few material things.

I made a pair of trousers on Boxing Day and I am so happy with the way they turned out. I bought a pair of boots off of ASOS and I do not regret it, and I also ordered a book off of amazon at the start of the holidays and it came just this week and it's excellent. It is called: ORANGES ARE NOT THE ONLY FRUIT. I may do a review on it after reading it, I may not, who knows.

3. I want to be shameless in what I do and just share. 

My parents were talking to me about how the internet is such a useful platform for getting ahead and building your future, and I totally agree with that. I'm often scared to share my writing, my music or anything that I've created with anyone because I like things to be perfect and I'm also scared of the reaction. That is so incredibly unhealthy though. How can I grow if I never share anything? So yeah. Share, share, share your art.

I've also found some new music, or gotten into some songs over the holidays

You're Not Good Enough - Blood Orange

Something in the Way - Jorja Smith

Tell Me - Sabrina Claudio

Company - Tinashe

Sock it 2 me - Missy Elliot (DuncanGerow Remix)

Les Peintres - Nimbes

Into You - Ariana Grande (80s remix)

New Youtube channel I found when I was looking at life in Paris, since I have decided to learn French. My accent is terrible but I'll get there: Dawnie Perry

Another thing that I have decided to do is make a style book! Basically I've been collecting images of clothes and outfits that I love and would like to see in my wardrobe from instagram/youtube/tumblr and I'll be printing them out at school and sticking them in a little book. This book will be in my bag everywhere I go (just in case I suddenly decide I want to buy some clothes). The purpose of this, will be that I am constantly inspired, and I also thing that it'll help cut down on buying things I regret. Say I'm debating on buying a long denim coat or not, or a yellow jacket or something completely OUT THERE, I'll look in the book. If that item isn't in there in a picture or I haven't written it down as a note, then I won't buy it. So hopefully that works haha.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this post, and hopefully I'll have more to come soon! All of you are so wonderful and I am so incredibly grateful to have you guys reading my stuff and also being able to read your stuff too. Happy New Year xo

is nudity normal?

For quite a long time, I've been battling with myself and the idea of nudity, and whether it was something that was intrinsically bad or not. I have decided that it isn't.

When I started to discover my "style" and express myself through what I wore, I began to realise that I was (and still am) drawn to shorter, sheer, flowy kind of things. Obviously not everything I wear will show off my bra or whatever, but I do like that kind of stuff, and it kind of started to eat me up inside that I do like that stuff.

I personally think, that I've been feeling bad about it, because of my own Christian upbringing. I feel that Christian beliefs have been embedded in the system and also been taught to our parents, us, our children ... EVERYONE. All of these beliefs have been what all of these "social rules" have been based on, and the idea that nudity, less clothes = bad, no self respect isn't an exception. A lot of the things that I've experienced have told me that wearing these shorter, sheerer kind of clothes, is bad. I don't hate my family and the people around me, but I do feel that they have really put unnecessary stress on me. 

This conflict with how I felt and what I was being told made me question this whole "issue." Is nudity ACTUALLY, bad? Is there anything morally wrong with it? No. I don't think there is. Wearing less clothes isn't going to kill someone. Wearing less clothes also doesn't mean that I have less self worth and self respect than a girl who wears more clothes than me. That is just a lie that we're told, so that women can't express their sexuality through clothing freely. It's important to really question all the things we're told are "bad" or that we can't do, and really ask ourselves if it's true, or not.

Another thing that I've had an issue with, is the fact that women's bodies are sexualised way, too much. We tend to sexualise women's bodies so much, that girls in schools are not allowed to show their shoulders, or wear short shorts on extremely hot days, because they'll be a "distraction" (meaning you've just sexualised a teenage girl's shoulder and legs. Gross). Why do we do this? Why do we always associate women's bodies with sex? Why can't a woman be wearing a mini skirt and a bralette because she felt good in that outfit and nothing else? Why do we always assume that a woman is wearing smaller clothes for men? Why does she always have to be sexual? And so what, if she does, want to be sexual? She can be if she wants to be, but it most certainly isn't for you (men).

So yeah. I've really been battling with this for quite a while. I've decided that I'm going to wear whatever I want though, because I know why I wear the things I wear and I don't need to explain it to anyone. I may just want to wear a bralette, denim jacket and shorts. It doesn't mean I don't have any self worth, or self respect. I freaking love myself and what I wear, doesn't change that.

What are your thoughts on nudity, smaller clothes, etc guys? Do you think it's acceptable or not? Why? Any experiences? Similar or completely different? I'd love to know!