BUILDING UP SELF CONFIDENCE









So as we know, everybody is going through things and is on a journey. I myself am still on that journey, but I know personally, that I have come very far from where I used to be, and I feel that I am in a good position to give some advice in building confidence.

Before, when I wanted to know how to build my confidence and be happy with myself, everywhere always said "you need to accept yourself." After reading multiple articles, etc telling me to accept myself, I'd always sat back and pondered and wondered how, you did that. This is because, you can't buy something that will make, you accept yourself. There isn't any sort of set guide that will guarantee self acceptance. It's something personal and something that is always different. I was always asking the question, "but how?" How, do I do that? None of the sites helped me. Nothing that people were saying really helped me. I never stood in front of the mirror and forced myself to say that I was beautiful. I never did. I just couldn't, it felt uncomfortable. I think the reason why I, personally felt uncomfortable saying this sort of thing, was because I am quite a closed person. I keep things, personal things to myself and me saying my fears aloud so I could hear them, was a massive NO, for me. It was something that I couldn't do, and wouldn't, do.

So, instead of verbalising it, I wrote it down.

STEP ONE: WRITE YOUR PROBLEMS DOWN

I can't remember what year it was, but my mother and I decided to try and keep journals. I'm not sure if it was meant to be for the rest of our lives or for six months, but since the age of 12 (???) I have been keeping journals. They weren't necessarily meant to be some sort of outlet for my troubles and fears, just a mere project, but they turned into that. I wrote about my day, story plans, other people's secrets, my issues, what I ate that day and more, in those journals. Till this very day, I keep journals. It came to a point, where I couldn't have all of my fears and issues and insecurities floating around and screaming at me in my mind, and if they were going to stay with me and torment me, it had to at least be in an orderly fashion. So, I wrote everything down, and identified what was bothering me. I identified all of the things that made me cry, and hate myself.

For me, it was more physical things, but as I grew it became things that were part of my personality. However, at first, it was:

• Hair type
• Skin (colour)

So these insecurities started when I began secondary school, so age 11 and they pretty much carried on, until age 14 - 15. I would say 15, actually. Yes, 15. So for around 4/5 years, I had been feeling hatred for myself. Yes, I know that a lot of people feel this way for longer, but everyone has challenges, and the length of time they battle them for shouldn't count to how much those challenges count.

So hair type. This started when I became aware of the natural hair movement, which was probably just before my twelfth birthday. I became aware of how to take care of my hair, and I was on all of these natural hair websites. Basically, the problem was, was that I didn't see anybody with 4c/4b hair. I saw type three naturals, but no type 4b/4c. It was dreadful. It pretty much came to a point, that I was willing to cause heat damage to all of my hair, to achieve that "loose wave." Why? I never saw my hair shown in good light. It was nowhere to be seen. Nobody I knew, knew how to take care of it, I had no friends who had hair like me either. I was desperate to fit in.

Good thing I didn't though.

Before I got to that point of damaging my hair, I found the channel, urbanbushbabes. It was literally a miracle. It saved my hair, and my self esteem of my hair. One of the women, is called Cipriana, and she has the most luxurious of 4C hair I has ever seen in my life. She also has a twin, TK Wonder, who also has amazing 4C hair. All I needed was to see her, and I never hated my hair again.

Now, the skin colour wasn't so quick, and that carried on all the way till 14/15. I'm not really sure how, I managed to break from that cycle of hatred for my skin, since there was a point, where I actually went to a shop, to buy Vitamin C tablets, to raise the Glutathione levels in my body to decrease the amount of melanin I produced. I am not sure if that is even correct, but that is what I believed at the time, and I was going to do it. The only thing that stopped me, was the fact that I didn't have enough money, and by the time I did have enough money, I started to break free. I feel, I honestly feel that it was when I saw Lupita, just last year, winning an oscar, was when I actually started to feel comfortable. Luptia, Naomi, Alek, Grace, Kerry, Iman, Grace Jones and many more. I started to really pay attention to the few black women who graced the media. It was hard, since I had had Tumblr since year 8, and I had that kind of "hipster" blog, which basically my dash was completely drowned in pretty pictures of white girls, but no black girl in sight. It didn't help that I had no one, no friends who looked like me either. I honestly love my friends to death, but they could have never comprehended all of the things I was going through, because it was just there for them. They were spoiled for choice, by the type of "white girl," they could identify with in the media. Me? Maybe two? And are they as glorified as the lighter skinned black women? Nope. Not at all. Where is Kelly? Where is Michelle? I think BeyoncĂ© is great, but I don't need, BeyoncĂ©. I need Kelly, because out of the three, that is the closest one I look like. But where is she?

STEP TWO: TAKE PRETTY PHOTOS OF YOURSELF, PRINT THEM OUT AND STICK THEM DOWN

Early last year, 2014, I noticed that I had literally no photos of myself. I never took photos of myself. I never knew how, I never felt comfortable with looking at my face for such a long time. I hated how I looked in mirror selfies ... it was awful. So, as a project, since I got in early into school, I took the occasional selfie. It was quite sporadic at times, but NOW, I take them all the time, AND I keep them, AND I post them and print them out. I have so many photos of myself now, I even have sessions where I take them. You know why? Because I believe that it's healthy. You need to have photos of where you look good, so you can remind yourself of how amazingly attractive you are. Yes, you're single and aren't conventionally attractive but that doesn't mean that you aren't. I also feel, that forcing selfies, aren't good. Look, if you don't feel, good, then it isn't going to show up in the photo. It just makes you feel even worse, because you can't even take a good photo. Well of course you can't. You feel awful, so you're going to look awful. You probably don't look too great when you have the flu and have a bunged up nose, so why would you look good when your mental state is feeling a bit icky too?

STEP THREE: TALK TO SOMEONE

Another thing that I did, was speak to my mother about it. I never talk to friends about my problems. I may do in the future, but at the moment I just won't. I just feel uncomfortable doing it, and to be honest, that's okay. I feel that there is this pressure, that you should share all your things with your friends. Maybe I'm the only one who feels it, maybe I'm not. I don't know, but that is something that I feel, and it shouldn't be that way. I love my friends to death, but that doesn't mean I have to tell them anything. Even my close friends, I don't have to tell them anything. I do feel though, that when you are going through this journey, there should be someone that you talk to. It honestly helped me so much to have someone to talk to and hug and discuss my issues with, since paper doesn't talk back. Writing things down only helps to an extent. All of these things only help to an extent, and it is important that you have multiple things, helping and holding you up, so you don't become too reliant on one medium to help you in your growth of self confidence.

STEP FOUR: KEEP GOING

I think the last thing that I've been doing, is to keep going in life. Keep on studying even if you feel dumb, keep smiling if you feel bad, then go and cry and talk with your outlet at the end of the day. Keep taking photos even if you feel good one day and feel bad the other. Keep slowly forcing yourself to do what you want and being yourself (since I see being yourself, as doing what you want and expressing yourself however you feel - within boundaries and limits of course). KEEP GOING. You have to. Don't look back, just keep on moving. Things will change in the world that will give you a boost, things will happen in the world that will set you back a bit, but just keep going. Keep on living, understand that things will change. If you want to change something about yourself then do it, if you want to accept it as how it is, then do it. Just keep going. 

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Sometimes you need to do something to express yourself. Make some art. Draw, write, sing, dance, solve an algebraic equation. Anything that you use to escape and get out of the world of self hate, before you are ready to deal with your problems is always okay.

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